This is a storm in a fine China tea cup. Everyone knows I’m not opposed to immigration. I’ve lost count of the number of household staff my family employed from the Commonwealth over the years – and jolly nice some of them were too! After a while they become part of the family – a bit like a dog or a much-loved family heirloom passed down through the generations. The idea that I would back a policy of enforced migration is simply absurd. It’s anathema to the liberal, cosmopolitan values I’ve been fighting to uphold since I became Home Secretary. The truth is we live in a multi-cultural society which has greatly enriched our country. You can now buy almost any sort of food on the Kings Road (Waitrose even sell even yams!), and that’s something we can all be grateful for.
Believe it or not I once had a cat called Windrush! Life is full of little ironies like that, don’t you find? We didn’t name him after the boat, of course. My great great grandfather Windrush was an admiral in the navy who served with distinction in a war somewhere. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten which one. But I’ve still got his medals in the attic. Or are they in the drawing room? Or the library? No hang on, I think I might have put them in the wine cellar behind that fridge full of Mersaut. I might need to open a bottle of that tonight.
Gosh those select committee can be ghastly! But let me make one thing completely clear; we did not and have never had targets for enforced immigration. Not to my knowledge anyway. And you’d think someone would have told me. Actually, now that I think about it we did have an office sweepstake on how many people we’d get rid of by the end of the year but that was just a bit of fun. Good for morale and so on. A bit like the Home Office Christmas party. One cad turned up last year dressed as an immigration officer! Oh how we laughed.
Let me make one thing completely clear. We did have targets for enforced migration – but on a regional basis for internal use only, according to this press release I’ve just been asked to read out. So not really ‘targets’ in the conventional sense at all. OK, so we picked a number and judged our performance based on whether we reached it or not, but we didn’t make a big song and dance about it. So please just leave me alone. I voted Remain you know!
I cancelled my subscription to the Guardian today. Bloody bleeding heart liberals are making my life hell. This is the toughest job I’ve had since I worked in the City. The hours are awful, the pay is pitiful and the media won’t get off my back. They’re saying the Home Office lacks direction- but I have the full support of the Prime Minister. She called me today and said the department would be completely ruderless without me in charge.
Anyone who thinks we’ve created a hostile environment for illegal immigrants clearly didn’t go to my prep school. It was hell on earth. So don’t think for one minute that I won’t get through this. After all, the last woman in charge round here was pretty bloody useless. And now she’s running the country. Did I mention I voted Remain?
The Guardian has published a letter from me to the PM about immigration targets. Damned if I can remember it. I probably signed it last thing at night on a train back from Hastings. I’d like to to say I’m looking forward to spending more time there but let’s be honest – it’s not exactly Whitstable is it? One must keep on smiling though. Did I tell you about the time our Armenian nanny asked why my ex husband referred to me as ‘the Silver Spoon’ in his restaurant column? She couldn’t understand why he’d named me after a brand of sugar! Oh how we laughed. I do hope she hasn’t been deported.
* as told to The Red Roar