The working classes are not fundamentally stupid; they just believe everything they read in the Sun. I remind myself of that every morning as I gaze at my own reflection in my shiny Prada loafers. Those of us who are intelligent, thin and good looking have a moral obligation to stand up for those who aren’t. That’s what socialism means to me – but it’s fine if you don’t agree. I’ll introduce you to John McDonnell, who will have you shot.
My old school motto is Manners maketh the Man. If only the agents of imperialism in the Parliamentary Labour Party had been educated at Winchester they might have learned to conduct themselves properly. The truth is I pity them, with their cheap suits and regional accents. They will use any pretext, no matter how flimsy, to attack Jeremy Corbyn. How can we possibly know the Russians were behind the attempted assassination of the traitorous double agent in Salisbury? Before we rush to judgement, we must surely hand the murder weapon to the alleged perpetrators and ask them politely if it belongs to them. If the answer is no, they are clearly innocent. It is not for nothing that the British justice system is admired around the world.
Anyone who watched Deutschland 83 on Channel 4 knows there was no poverty, inequality or consumer goods in East Germany. While its citizens selflessly furthered the cause of global socialism by spying on their parents, West Germans wasted their money on trivial things like toasters, TVs, cars and food. No wonder the Berliners built that wall to keep them all out! You can’t rely on the vested interests who run the BBC to report any of this, of course. It hasn’t been impartial since Papa was sacked as Director-General by Margaret Thatcher. If you want to know what’s really going in the world, watch Russia Today. Especially when I’m on it.
Workers of the world unite, you have nothing to lose but your jobs! That’s what I told redundant Labour party staffers this morning as I ushered out them out of the building. They will have plenty of time to reflect on their treachery over the coming months and years. The revolution is still in its early stages but the party machinery is now under our control and the class traitors have been banished. It’s tireless work and the truth is I don’t enjoy it. My wife used to tell me that men of destiny are born to lead, not to be loved. I realise now how wise she was to say that, although obviously a lot of people do love me – including a good number of attractive women half my age.
Bliss it was in that dawn to be alive! Jennie Formby is the new General Secretary of the Labour party. Now I know how Wordsworth felt in 1789 as he witnessed the people’s revolutionary fervour sweep away the old order. But pockets of resistance remain. This morning I had to remove an unamusing sign on the office the wall which read: “You don’t have to shag Len McCluskey to work here, but it helps!”. Fake news. Everyone knows the best way to get ahead in the Labour party is to be related to Jeremy or John.
The Daily Mail phoned me today and asked me if the Labour party was run by privileged posh boys. What a nerve! I may have inherited my good looks from my father, but most of the money comes from my wife’s side. And besides, after the revolution everyone will live in a two million pound house in Richmond.
*As told to Red Roar